In the beginning there was...

 When I consider my beginnings and everything in between I have to say it's been, "ugly" to put it mildly. If anyone could mess things up as much as I did, we would be in a similar company. I managed to squeeze through, to press on, to struggle and fight. It was a battle. I made so many mistakes and caused so much offense to people. What was wrong, I wonder?

 I did not give up on myself, I supported my broken soul faithfully. I was broken and carried myself around like the wounded soldier image, however, I was wounded internally, not outwardly. But a wounded person cannot be helped by anyone other than a trained "spiritual" physician  Regular people could not help me therefore I needed the true Holistic invisible physician. In Mark 2: 17 it is written "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick, I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."

With the prayers of the saints, my family and the clergy, there was suddenly a shift, I thought I stood by myself when everyone else long deserted me, and with reason- I was impossible to understand. Yet the truth is that The universe kept me persevering, trying- without a vision or direction or goal or understanding of what was going on-  and not be on my own doing- this was my greatest test. Not knowing where I was headed or what I was aiming for but persevering nevertheless. Everything was taken away from me which was holding me together, my job, relationships, material possessions, and all which was left was me. But God was showing me that it is not the things in your life which are holding you together - it is I who is holding you together. I dug deep and offered what was me. It's all I got, and the universe was right in doing so, why because the universe was trying to show me that I was trying to be what others wanted me to be and not me. It was okay to just be me. Of course, it was okay to be me, when I had no employment when I was employed I had to be obedient and submissive. I began to get serious with God saying this is all I have to give- what I gave was my artistic abilities, my ability to do things with integrity, and honesty. The Lord let me work for myself cleaning houses, where I could claim my own prices and be proud of what I did as an end product. I was happy at what I did because I gave my best and when I would look back at a home I cleaned it would sparkle. Since nothing was working out for me, people were not happy with me when I was employed for them, but I gave my best and was genuine I thought what is wrong, I am doing things in good faith, why the animosity or push back. I cried out to the Lord saying help me while I am doing my best. -respect me for this God and bless the work of my hands.

What about your beginnings, were they better than mine? How about your ending? When I think about the creation story, how God, after each day, said to Himself what I have done is good. God looked upon His work with satisfaction and fulfillment- not criticism. He made things and then just let them be. As King Solomon said the gift of each person, is to eat, drink, and to enjoy the work of their hands. But that all toil is vanity and striving for the wind.

It's better to be a living dog than a dead lion. Therefore let's give it our good till our turn is up. Ecclesiastics 9:4

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